Remember when I told you that you’re like an incoming train, disguised as the light at the end of the tunnel? That’s what I meant.
[ he takes the bible from kei into his own hands, flipping through the pages aimlessly before shutting the book closed with a sigh. clearly this has some sort of meaning for the man; maybe it’s the only meaning he has. either way, he makes no more mention because he’s never been able to understand religion.
ignoring the oppressive atmosphere around them, he continues to talk, his expression deadpan. ]
You try to help me, but I’ve never asked for your help. And if I keep denying your help, what are you gonna do? Keep escalating until I’m forced to see what you want to show me?
[ He frowns as the Bible is taken from him; it may be the first time that Oda saw something like real displeasure. Kei folds his hands on his lap instead, drumming his fingers on the tops of his other hand's knuckles. ]
You have never asked for anyone's help as I have seen it. And so no one helps you. No one reaches past to attempt to touch any part of you that is vulnerable, because of the politeness of society and morals. [ His eyes drop to watch how his fingertips tap against his knuckles -- ring, middle, index, index middle ring. Three separate touches. ]
But I forget all of those due to my interest in you, so I'm the best person to help. [ And he ignores the last question. ]
[ in the deepest corner of his heart, odasaku can’t help but feel a bit of vindication when he sees that displeased expression on kei’s face.
the rest of his heart feels the unease grow, and he makes a mental note that religion is important to him. taking the bible away from him feels like taking a toy from a misbehaving child—if that child threatened the people he cares about. he watches the way the man’s fingers tap a rhythm, an obvious sign that kei is making an effort to hold himself back.
but oda himself won’t hold back, especially when his question is so blatantly ignored. blue eyes narrow, but his expression is otherwise deadpan. ]
That selective hearing of yours is a problem. I told you that I don’t want your help. I don’t want your interest. So, answer my question: what’re you gonna do when I keep refusing your request?
[ Kei visibly flinches. The tapping of his fingers slow. Eventually, he rests his palm on top of his other hand. His eyes slide toward where the Bible had been set, fixating on the spine. There is a pained expression that glosses over his face, grimacing.
His fingers interlace instead, into a partial prayer, yet he twists his fingers together until the knuckles turn white. Still, he says nothing as he muses over what he would do if his request is still ignored. Your suffering is unbearable to witness.
He drops his gaze down as he feels his shoulders drop with them. I forget all of those due to my interest. ]
[ He sits back as he finds his expression sliding to a neutral one. His gaze returns to a dull, lifeless stare that settles on Oda's face. There is a second in thinking that he may smile one of those hideous smiles that he has when speaking to the man in text, yet he doesn't.
His expression remains calm, unaffected, and perhaps, that is worse. ]
I don't know, Sakutarou Oda. But I will only involve you in it. However, it is as I've said, do you believe those spider threads that you've spread out toward your loved ones... will turn to steel and chain... upon seeing what will come to pass?
[ kei may have slowed down, maybe having realized that odasaku was not backing down. that said, what he says after is just as unsettling. just what does he mean by that? he says that his friends won’t be involved, but still mentions them in the same cryptic way that he says everything else.
the way that kei talks, as if he’s the one holding the strings of odasaku’s life...it makes him feel vulnerable. and god he hates it. he hates feeling as if someone else has control of his fate— someone that would be willing to ruin it without a second thought.
your ruin should come by your own hand and yours alone, so you have no one else to blame. is that what will happen?
he stares back, unwilling to budge a single centimeter. the last thing he wants kei to know is the dread that is building in his chest. ]
[ There is a twisting in his stomach; it doesn't feel unpleasant, however. He can't put it into words what will happen, because he does not know in great or small details what will. His interest is his interest. The strangling tight manner he holds his hands loosens, slackens, like he has finished ringing the life out of the last of his control.
Indeed, even though, his expression remained neutral, even as his shoulders dropped, he still held onto something. ]
You'll have to choose. [ He's trembling. He can feel it running down his arms, through his body. But it's not quite out of fear. Fear is part of it; of course, it is part of it. But it is not all that is there. Kei hides the look of pain as he ignores the other feelings that well up inside of him. It is all that he can do. A memory from earlier comes to him. I have a foreboding... that when I learn that which seek, it will destroy me.
Those were the words of Kirei Kotomine. Kei felt relieved upon receiving these memories. The man who he was knew something dangerous would awaken inside of him if he continued to pursue someone. The name has not been given to him yet and he is not sure how he feels about that. But his feelings on that memory come in two. Relief, Kirei understood and did not want to proceed; there was hesitation in his heart and he could have turned back. Horror, he must have carried on anyway. ]
There is nothing but ruin in it. [ His control is gone, but he speaks clear, even with his smile twisting into place. ] There is only madness that will come, because your suffering is unsightly to me. It's unsightly, like seeing the rot of an infection eating away at the flesh.
[ Yet he laughs. ] I only want to involve you. Whatever it is, I only want you to be involved. That is all that you want, too, isn't it? However, even if those are both of our wishes, it won't happen. I cannot see into the future. [ Another bark of laughter. ] I cannot see into it. Yet I know that those weak connections that you have with others will be strengthened. They'll come to realize your own weaknesses and your own vulnerability.
[ Indeed, he is a train's light rather than the sun streaming in to cut through the black. ] You won't be able to hide from them, and they will finally come to care for you as they should have before your self-made wounds began to fester with infection. You will end up not being alone, but I will be. You are willing to destroy yourself so that your characters can live. I am willing to destroy myself so that you can live rather than just exist within this space.
[ A slight pause. ] Because your pain shouldn't have to be this way, Sakutarou Oda. [ He blinks slow, realizing that he did not throughout his explanation. His eyes feel dry as he looks away. ]
Because I'm not beyond salvation, Sakutarou Oda, nor are you. [ There is agony in his words. ] You have lived with it for so long that you can no longer tell that you're no longer drowning. The water's already filled your lungs. But you are not beyond anyone's help.
odasaku’s unsure if those words manage to fall from his lips. everything feels constrained, as if kei could choke him by words alone. for the first time in their conversation, odasaku feels fear and it shows. as the other continues to speak, the feeling only gets worse, until he can no longer look at kei in the eye.
he runs his hand through his hair, and breathes a shaky sigh as his mind runs at a thousand miles per hour. why would kei say something like this? it all makes sense, to a point. his bonds will be strengthened as time goes, and if oda doesn’t decide to burn all his bridges in fear of his vulnerabilities being laid bare for anyone to pick at. he truly does hope that he is not beyond salvation and... he hopes that kei isn’t either. that much is true.
but— i am willing to destroy myself so that you can live rather than just exist within this space.
between you and me, one of us must die.
he stands up, suddenly and quietly, making his way to the balcony. he doesn’t expect kei to follow when he closes the door behind him, and he sure hopes he doesn’t accompany him while he begins to smoke. he needs to be alone, if only for a moment.
at least akage will give kei some comapny, jumping on the spot that oda stood up from and curling up for a cat nap. ]
[ Kei looks away at the fear radiating off of Oda. The shame settles in on him; he feels a moment of absolute relief in feeling it. His heart feels clenched in agony and he accepts it all. Yes. Penance is not simply guilt, but change due to the guilt felt. His hand rests over his chest, gripping his shirt and twisting it in his hands.
He leans forward, head all but resting on the coffee table as his hands held in a weak prayer-pose against the floor. His head turns as he hears the cat come to take the place of Oda with a brief glance. The fear overrides whatever other feelings were in him; his body trembles and aches but he accepts this pain. It isn't the pain that matters, anyway. This pain is acceptable for the wounds I add upon him. ]
Interest that is neither romantic or platonic is only obsession. [ So he says to the cat that is resting near him. It looks at him before going to sleep. ] That's fair. [ Kei offers a wry smile as he admits that he's simply obsessed. He does not know why he is, but he hates it. ] Yet your owner fears me. He doesn't hate me. He hasn't come to hate me in his heart, but feels pity. Pity that a human like me exists.
[ His eyes close. ] I agree. But I accepted this is my life a long time ago, because I cannot fill anything within me. There has never been any anger about it. Anger is righteousness. Anger is to correct a wrong. Even if a human like me exists, the meaning of my life is to ensure others do not live as I do. I accepted that about myself. [ He feels tired. ] ... why would Oda ruin his own meaning in order to not complete his incomplete self? I cannot understand it.
[ the cat does not respond verbally, only giving kei a long yawn before turning her back to him.
luckily enough, odasaku can’t hear any of this. he remains motionless on the balcony, focussing only on the way his lungs fill with the smoke from a lit cigarette. it’s a comforting poison in his body, but poison all the same. he knows that one day it will destroy him, just like any other poison would.
the same way that kei continues to search for him, probably. but there is no comfort in that. there was no comfort in the way his gaze diverted from odasaku’s when things became too tense. it’s simply self destruction— for his sake.
why would anyone destroy themselves for me?
he settles his arms on the railing, leaning down until his forehead is resting on them. it all feels like it’s too much, and only now does he feel the water rushing into his lungs, pulling him down under. but if he saves himself, then kei will drown. but if he drowns with him...then... what about the people he cares about?
it would be so much easier if he could act on his selfishness and let kei drown—but, as forced as the other’s connections may be, they sill exist. and because they exist, those people will hurt. kei may not feel a thing, but others will; he won’t let that happen.
finishing his cigarette, odasaku makes his way back to the apartment. he no longer looks fearful, but... guilty. ]
Kei Shigaraki. For your sake and mine, I ask one thing. Forget about me. I don’t want it to matter to you whether or not I destroy myself. If I do, I do. If I don’t, I don’t.
[ and then, he frowns, his gaze sharp ]
Don’t destroy yourself for me, Kei. It may not matter to you, but it matters to me. ‘Cause you got connections. Maybe they’re forced on your end, but on the other end, they’re very real. I’m not gonna let you sacrifice them because you wanna save me. So: forget about me.
Do you think that I do not want to forget about you, Sakutarou Oda?
[ He lifts his head off the coffee table as he realizes the rudeness of what he is doing. An amused huff comes through his nose as he sits up on the couch; the pose is similar to the one that he had before but tension radiates off of him now. The front of his shirt is messed and crinkled due to having gripped at it so tight, feeling himself unable to breath and glad of it, until Oda's return. ]
You speak of other people before you speak about yourself. You speak of me before you speak about you. You may see your actions as selfish but to all others, they see it as selfless. [ His smile is wry, hollow. ] I can't forget about you. But I won't destroy myself. I ... I do not wish such damnation for myself.
[ He leans back away from Oda, like he fears if he moves that he'll only draw closer. ] I've spoken often of how one life is precious. My own must be included, but it sounds like a lie when I say it. I consider those people that have connections that feel real to them... better off without me. [ I wish to be forgotten, too, Sakutarou Oda. ]
You feel that about yourself, too, don't you? [ The hollow smile remains. ] I want to forget about you. I want to, Sakutarou Oda, but I can't.
[ he says it with absolutely no joy in his voice. no anger, no frustration, no sadness. he feels absolutely nothing as he continues to watch kei talk. it’s strange, how sometimes he feels as if he’s watching a mirror image of himself speak— something that is much more evident now.
they would be much better off without me, wouldn’t they? if he hadn’t befriended them in such a halfhearted way... maybe they wouldn’t have to suffer because of him. they wouldn’t worry about his lack of self-preservation and self-care. they would simply let him be... and that would be fine.
he can’t believe that the first person to mimic this train of thought would be none other than kei shigaraki. ]
At least I understand that. But if... this interest is gonna consume you whole, then I can’t let you be near me. [ he pauses, swallowing; it feels like a rock stuck in his throat. ] I think you should go home.
A confession of love? I'm afraid I can't feel it. Something so soft and pure doesn't exist within me.
[ No, he can't love anything. He even pauses to wonder if what he feels about Oda is anything of that sort -- an awakening of real human-like emotions? No. It's obsession. It's obsession due to seeing a mirror of himself. He thinks that's fairly narcissistic of him, but he believes in something when he talks to Oda. He believes in something that he can't quite name and so he searches it out in him. ]
Why do you care about me? Why do you pity me? [ Anger comes from righteousness. He has no righteousness inside of him but he stands, swinging his arm to knock one of the stacks of books over. It's a response no different than a temper tantrum, however, and he immediately calms when it fades. ] You should hate me. You should hate me with every fiber of your being. You cannot even bring yourself to hate a person like me.
[ Kei steps forward to draw closer to him, knowing it is a terrible idea; knowing that he would be better in agreeing to just leave. ] Why? If I'm pathetic, I'm pathetic. You should find something within you to hate a person that involves himself with you instead of looking at me with such guilt. I have no righteousness to be angry with you, Sakutarou Oda, but -- [ Indeed, his voice remains calm despite it all. Because he also could never hate any person. He hates no person; he loves no person. ]
Find something to hate in me and hold onto it. Tell me it. Despise me and I will cease feeling as though I am watching a version of myself... a version that could actually live as a human being... just not try to do so.
[ he doesn’t jump when the stack of books crumbles to the floor, but he watches how the cat wakes from her sleep and runs off in fear in one fluid movement. he doesn’t know why this doesn’t make him feel afraid, nor when kei moves closer to him despite being to go away.
the tension is there, thick enough to cut with a knife, but oda doesn’t budge. he might as well be talking about the weather with kei. and when he voices his frustrations, odasaku stays silent, unsure of what to say. this man had made his life a mild hell for the past week and a half, pushed him to break his phone and made him feel prodded and picked at like a lab rat.
kei is right— he should have every reason to hate him, and more. he should have never even invited this man into his house in the first place.
so—why can’t i hate him?
odasaku sighs, forcing himself to think about anything that will inspire some sort of hatred in him. something, anything at all. ]
I can’t. I’m sorry, Kei, but I can’t bring myself to feel something so strong. I should— but I can’t. I’m sorry.
[ He reaches out to grab the front of Oda's shirt, clenching the fabric in his hand as he looks down at him. Anger is something righteous. It is a mantra that he repeats over and over. His grip looses and he lets go. It's a very human reaction to want to get angry -- he plays it out with the hope that, perhaps, he would see something come to the surface. For one of them. For both of them.
But it's just a poor act. It's an imitation of fury when he has none. ]
I can't bring myself to hate you, regardless of my own frustrations. I can't bring myself to dismiss your existence, either. [ Kei leans forward, lowering his voice to a whisper. ] Don't apologize to me, Sakutarou Oda. I refuse to accept it. You should refuse to want to say that you are sorry to me. Your guilt... I can't understand the source of it. But I'm undeserving of your kindness.
[ Softer: ] I can't understand you.
[ He leans back, as he breathes out. He didn't realize he was not breathing. ] I'm sorry. [ Looking away, he looks toward the books that he has knocked over. It is a step away from Oda but at least, it is a step away. Kneeling down, he picks up what he has scattered to carefully place them back into a stack once more. ]
[ his heart skips a beat when he feels the hand grab onto his shirt, blue eyes blinking blankly over the sudden reaction. so when he’s let go, it’s almost difficult for odasaku to believe. still, he doesn’t fight back, watching kei’s reactions as if he were watching some sort of movie.
it feels too surreal to listen to kei apologize. wrong, even. ]
Don’t be. It doesn’t change anything.
[ he’s quick to dismiss an apology directed towards him despite having been apologizing just seconds before. his heart is still racing from adrenaline, still feeling the ghost of kei’s hand clenched tightly around his shirt. for a split second, he had imagined those hands around his neck, and he’s actually surprised that it didn’t happen.
because, even then, odasaku wouldn’t have been able to hate him. maybe he feels incapable of feeling hatred—no, that’s not right. he wouldn’t have gone on a suicide mission if he hadn’t felt some sort of hatred for the people that took the lives of the children.
with a sigh, he kneels down next to kei, taking the fallen books in his arms. ]
[ He feels like he has difficulty swallowing as he sets each book down. But somehow, it remains a comforting feeling. Kei recalls being told that his interest would be the only thing that matters to him, but he feels something else. It's an uncomfortable, painful feeling that he relates to guilt. And it only grows when Oda kneels down next to him. His fingers tighten around the book in his hand.
It makes sense. Of course, it makes sense. He is only doing this because -- Kei doesn't want to admit the reasons why he simply does not leave as he has been asked. Twice. Because it isn't saying I should go. He is only saying I should. He smiles in a wry manner as he realizes how he twists the words around. Of course, he wants you to go, but there is no hate or anger... there is nothing there. It is only for my sake that he says it. And it is for his sake, I want to help with a pain he does not even recognize anymore.
His hand reaches out to grab onto Oda's shoulder, a lot more forceful like he would shove him away, but he grips onto it instead to twists. He knocks the man off balance so that he on the floor instead, leaning over him. I can't understand you! The isn't anger in the words but something like panic. Kei touches the side of Oda's face with his fingertips ghosting down along his chin. ]
I'm leaving. [ Abrupt, sudden, he stands as he knocks over more stacks of books with his hurried walk as he heads toward the door. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ he takes the bible from kei into his own hands, flipping through the pages aimlessly before shutting the book closed with a sigh. clearly this has some sort of meaning for the man; maybe it’s the only meaning he has. either way, he makes no more mention because he’s never been able to understand religion.
ignoring the oppressive atmosphere around them, he continues to talk, his expression deadpan. ]
You try to help me, but I’ve never asked for your help. And if I keep denying your help, what are you gonna do? Keep escalating until I’m forced to see what you want to show me?
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[ He frowns as the Bible is taken from him; it may be the first time that Oda saw something like real displeasure. Kei folds his hands on his lap instead, drumming his fingers on the tops of his other hand's knuckles. ]
You have never asked for anyone's help as I have seen it. And so no one helps you. No one reaches past to attempt to touch any part of you that is vulnerable, because of the politeness of society and morals. [ His eyes drop to watch how his fingertips tap against his knuckles -- ring, middle, index, index middle ring. Three separate touches. ]
But I forget all of those due to my interest in you, so I'm the best person to help. [ And he ignores the last question. ]
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the rest of his heart feels the unease grow, and he makes a mental note that religion is important to him. taking the bible away from him feels like taking a toy from a misbehaving child—if that child threatened the people he cares about. he watches the way the man’s fingers tap a rhythm, an obvious sign that kei is making an effort to hold himself back.
but oda himself won’t hold back, especially when his question is so blatantly ignored. blue eyes narrow, but his expression is otherwise deadpan. ]
That selective hearing of yours is a problem. I told you that I don’t want your help. I don’t want your interest. So, answer my question: what’re you gonna do when I keep refusing your request?
[1/2]
His fingers interlace instead, into a partial prayer, yet he twists his fingers together until the knuckles turn white. Still, he says nothing as he muses over what he would do if his request is still ignored. Your suffering is unbearable to witness.
He drops his gaze down as he feels his shoulders drop with them. I forget all of those due to my interest. ]
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His expression remains calm, unaffected, and perhaps, that is worse. ]
I don't know, Sakutarou Oda. But I will only involve you in it. However, it is as I've said, do you believe those spider threads that you've spread out toward your loved ones... will turn to steel and chain... upon seeing what will come to pass?
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[ kei may have slowed down, maybe having realized that odasaku was not backing down. that said, what he says after is just as unsettling. just what does he mean by that? he says that his friends won’t be involved, but still mentions them in the same cryptic way that he says everything else.
the way that kei talks, as if he’s the one holding the strings of odasaku’s life...it makes him feel vulnerable. and god he hates it. he hates feeling as if someone else has control of his fate— someone that would be willing to ruin it without a second thought.
your ruin should come by your own hand and yours alone, so you have no one else to blame. is that what will happen?
he stares back, unwilling to budge a single centimeter. the last thing he wants kei to know is the dread that is building in his chest. ]
Tell me, Kei. What’s gonna happen?
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Indeed, even though, his expression remained neutral, even as his shoulders dropped, he still held onto something. ]
You'll have to choose. [ He's trembling. He can feel it running down his arms, through his body. But it's not quite out of fear. Fear is part of it; of course, it is part of it. But it is not all that is there. Kei hides the look of pain as he ignores the other feelings that well up inside of him. It is all that he can do. A memory from earlier comes to him. I have a foreboding... that when I learn that which seek, it will destroy me.
Those were the words of Kirei Kotomine. Kei felt relieved upon receiving these memories. The man who he was knew something dangerous would awaken inside of him if he continued to pursue someone. The name has not been given to him yet and he is not sure how he feels about that. But his feelings on that memory come in two. Relief, Kirei understood and did not want to proceed; there was hesitation in his heart and he could have turned back. Horror, he must have carried on anyway. ]
There is nothing but ruin in it. [ His control is gone, but he speaks clear, even with his smile twisting into place. ] There is only madness that will come, because your suffering is unsightly to me. It's unsightly, like seeing the rot of an infection eating away at the flesh.
[ Yet he laughs. ] I only want to involve you. Whatever it is, I only want you to be involved. That is all that you want, too, isn't it? However, even if those are both of our wishes, it won't happen. I cannot see into the future. [ Another bark of laughter. ] I cannot see into it. Yet I know that those weak connections that you have with others will be strengthened. They'll come to realize your own weaknesses and your own vulnerability.
[ Indeed, he is a train's light rather than the sun streaming in to cut through the black. ] You won't be able to hide from them, and they will finally come to care for you as they should have before your self-made wounds began to fester with infection. You will end up not being alone, but I will be. You are willing to destroy yourself so that your characters can live. I am willing to destroy myself so that you can live rather than just exist within this space.
[ A slight pause. ] Because your pain shouldn't have to be this way, Sakutarou Oda. [ He blinks slow, realizing that he did not throughout his explanation. His eyes feel dry as he looks away. ]
Because I'm not beyond salvation, Sakutarou Oda, nor are you. [ There is agony in his words. ] You have lived with it for so long that you can no longer tell that you're no longer drowning. The water's already filled your lungs. But you are not beyond anyone's help.
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odasaku’s unsure if those words manage to fall from his lips. everything feels constrained, as if kei could choke him by words alone. for the first time in their conversation, odasaku feels fear and it shows. as the other continues to speak, the feeling only gets worse, until he can no longer look at kei in the eye.
he runs his hand through his hair, and breathes a shaky sigh as his mind runs at a thousand miles per hour. why would kei say something like this? it all makes sense, to a point. his bonds will be strengthened as time goes, and if oda doesn’t decide to burn all his bridges in fear of his vulnerabilities being laid bare for anyone to pick at. he truly does hope that he is not beyond salvation and... he hopes that kei isn’t either. that much is true.
but— i am willing to destroy myself so that you can live rather than just exist within this space.
between you and me, one of us must die.
he stands up, suddenly and quietly, making his way to the balcony. he doesn’t expect kei to follow when he closes the door behind him, and he sure hopes he doesn’t accompany him while he begins to smoke. he needs to be alone, if only for a moment.
at least akage will give kei some comapny, jumping on the spot that oda stood up from and curling up for a cat nap. ]
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He leans forward, head all but resting on the coffee table as his hands held in a weak prayer-pose against the floor. His head turns as he hears the cat come to take the place of Oda with a brief glance. The fear overrides whatever other feelings were in him; his body trembles and aches but he accepts this pain. It isn't the pain that matters, anyway. This pain is acceptable for the wounds I add upon him. ]
Interest that is neither romantic or platonic is only obsession. [ So he says to the cat that is resting near him. It looks at him before going to sleep. ] That's fair. [ Kei offers a wry smile as he admits that he's simply obsessed. He does not know why he is, but he hates it. ] Yet your owner fears me. He doesn't hate me. He hasn't come to hate me in his heart, but feels pity. Pity that a human like me exists.
[ His eyes close. ] I agree. But I accepted this is my life a long time ago, because I cannot fill anything within me. There has never been any anger about it. Anger is righteousness. Anger is to correct a wrong. Even if a human like me exists, the meaning of my life is to ensure others do not live as I do. I accepted that about myself. [ He feels tired. ] ... why would Oda ruin his own meaning in order to not complete his incomplete self? I cannot understand it.
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luckily enough, odasaku can’t hear any of this. he remains motionless on the balcony, focussing only on the way his lungs fill with the smoke from a lit cigarette. it’s a comforting poison in his body, but poison all the same. he knows that one day it will destroy him, just like any other poison would.
the same way that kei continues to search for him, probably. but there is no comfort in that. there was no comfort in the way his gaze diverted from odasaku’s when things became too tense. it’s simply self destruction— for his sake.
why would anyone destroy themselves for me?
he settles his arms on the railing, leaning down until his forehead is resting on them. it all feels like it’s too much, and only now does he feel the water rushing into his lungs, pulling him down under. but if he saves himself, then kei will drown. but if he drowns with him...then... what about the people he cares about?
it would be so much easier if he could act on his selfishness and let kei drown—but, as forced as the other’s connections may be, they sill exist. and because they exist, those people will hurt. kei may not feel a thing, but others will; he won’t let that happen.
finishing his cigarette, odasaku makes his way back to the apartment. he no longer looks fearful, but... guilty. ]
Kei Shigaraki. For your sake and mine, I ask one thing. Forget about me. I don’t want it to matter to you whether or not I destroy myself. If I do, I do. If I don’t, I don’t.
[ and then, he frowns, his gaze sharp ]
Don’t destroy yourself for me, Kei. It may not matter to you, but it matters to me. ‘Cause you got connections. Maybe they’re forced on your end, but on the other end, they’re very real. I’m not gonna let you sacrifice them because you wanna save me. So: forget about me.
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[ He lifts his head off the coffee table as he realizes the rudeness of what he is doing. An amused huff comes through his nose as he sits up on the couch; the pose is similar to the one that he had before but tension radiates off of him now. The front of his shirt is messed and crinkled due to having gripped at it so tight, feeling himself unable to breath and glad of it, until Oda's return. ]
You speak of other people before you speak about yourself. You speak of me before you speak about you. You may see your actions as selfish but to all others, they see it as selfless. [ His smile is wry, hollow. ] I can't forget about you. But I won't destroy myself. I ... I do not wish such damnation for myself.
[ He leans back away from Oda, like he fears if he moves that he'll only draw closer. ] I've spoken often of how one life is precious. My own must be included, but it sounds like a lie when I say it. I consider those people that have connections that feel real to them... better off without me. [ I wish to be forgotten, too, Sakutarou Oda. ]
You feel that about yourself, too, don't you? [ The hollow smile remains. ] I want to forget about you. I want to, Sakutarou Oda, but I can't.
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[ he says it with absolutely no joy in his voice. no anger, no frustration, no sadness. he feels absolutely nothing as he continues to watch kei talk. it’s strange, how sometimes he feels as if he’s watching a mirror image of himself speak— something that is much more evident now.
they would be much better off without me, wouldn’t they? if he hadn’t befriended them in such a halfhearted way... maybe they wouldn’t have to suffer because of him. they wouldn’t worry about his lack of self-preservation and self-care. they would simply let him be... and that would be fine.
he can’t believe that the first person to mimic this train of thought would be none other than kei shigaraki. ]
At least I understand that. But if... this interest is gonna consume you whole, then I can’t let you be near me. [ he pauses, swallowing; it feels like a rock stuck in his throat. ] I think you should go home.
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[ No, he can't love anything. He even pauses to wonder if what he feels about Oda is anything of that sort -- an awakening of real human-like emotions? No. It's obsession. It's obsession due to seeing a mirror of himself. He thinks that's fairly narcissistic of him, but he believes in something when he talks to Oda. He believes in something that he can't quite name and so he searches it out in him. ]
Why do you care about me? Why do you pity me? [ Anger comes from righteousness. He has no righteousness inside of him but he stands, swinging his arm to knock one of the stacks of books over. It's a response no different than a temper tantrum, however, and he immediately calms when it fades. ] You should hate me. You should hate me with every fiber of your being. You cannot even bring yourself to hate a person like me.
[ Kei steps forward to draw closer to him, knowing it is a terrible idea; knowing that he would be better in agreeing to just leave. ] Why? If I'm pathetic, I'm pathetic. You should find something within you to hate a person that involves himself with you instead of looking at me with such guilt. I have no righteousness to be angry with you, Sakutarou Oda, but -- [ Indeed, his voice remains calm despite it all. Because he also could never hate any person. He hates no person; he loves no person. ]
Find something to hate in me and hold onto it. Tell me it. Despise me and I will cease feeling as though I am watching a version of myself... a version that could actually live as a human being... just not try to do so.
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the tension is there, thick enough to cut with a knife, but oda doesn’t budge. he might as well be talking about the weather with kei. and when he voices his frustrations, odasaku stays silent, unsure of what to say. this man had made his life a mild hell for the past week and a half, pushed him to break his phone and made him feel prodded and picked at like a lab rat.
kei is right— he should have every reason to hate him, and more. he should have never even invited this man into his house in the first place.
so—why can’t i hate him?
odasaku sighs, forcing himself to think about anything that will inspire some sort of hatred in him. something, anything at all. ]
I can’t. I’m sorry, Kei, but I can’t bring myself to feel something so strong. I should— but I can’t. I’m sorry.
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But it's just a poor act. It's an imitation of fury when he has none. ]
I can't bring myself to hate you, regardless of my own frustrations. I can't bring myself to dismiss your existence, either. [ Kei leans forward, lowering his voice to a whisper. ] Don't apologize to me, Sakutarou Oda. I refuse to accept it. You should refuse to want to say that you are sorry to me. Your guilt... I can't understand the source of it. But I'm undeserving of your kindness.
[ Softer: ] I can't understand you.
[ He leans back, as he breathes out. He didn't realize he was not breathing. ] I'm sorry. [ Looking away, he looks toward the books that he has knocked over. It is a step away from Oda but at least, it is a step away. Kneeling down, he picks up what he has scattered to carefully place them back into a stack once more. ]
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it feels too surreal to listen to kei apologize. wrong, even. ]
Don’t be. It doesn’t change anything.
[ he’s quick to dismiss an apology directed towards him despite having been apologizing just seconds before. his heart is still racing from adrenaline, still feeling the ghost of kei’s hand clenched tightly around his shirt. for a split second, he had imagined those hands around his neck, and he’s actually surprised that it didn’t happen.
because, even then, odasaku wouldn’t have been able to hate him. maybe he feels incapable of feeling hatred—no, that’s not right. he wouldn’t have gone on a suicide mission if he hadn’t felt some sort of hatred for the people that took the lives of the children.
with a sigh, he kneels down next to kei, taking the fallen books in his arms. ]
You should go. I’ll take care of it.
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[ He feels like he has difficulty swallowing as he sets each book down. But somehow, it remains a comforting feeling. Kei recalls being told that his interest would be the only thing that matters to him, but he feels something else. It's an uncomfortable, painful feeling that he relates to guilt. And it only grows when Oda kneels down next to him. His fingers tighten around the book in his hand.
It makes sense. Of course, it makes sense. He is only doing this because -- Kei doesn't want to admit the reasons why he simply does not leave as he has been asked. Twice. Because it isn't saying I should go. He is only saying I should. He smiles in a wry manner as he realizes how he twists the words around. Of course, he wants you to go, but there is no hate or anger... there is nothing there. It is only for my sake that he says it. And it is for his sake, I want to help with a pain he does not even recognize anymore.
His hand reaches out to grab onto Oda's shoulder, a lot more forceful like he would shove him away, but he grips onto it instead to twists. He knocks the man off balance so that he on the floor instead, leaning over him. I can't understand you! The isn't anger in the words but something like panic. Kei touches the side of Oda's face with his fingertips ghosting down along his chin. ]
I'm leaving. [ Abrupt, sudden, he stands as he knocks over more stacks of books with his hurried walk as he heads toward the door. ]