[ despite the deadpan tone, oda's completely serious. he's never really expected much out of executives in terms of niceness-- though he supposes that chuuya would be more fair than dazai in that case. ]
Well, then I'll take you up on the offer, Chuuya-san.
What's the point in belonging to the same group if we can't look after each other?
[Yeah, Chuuya is probably strange for an executive. Sure, he murders as much as the rest of them, if not more, but then he just hangs out with his subordinates after work to make sure they all have a good time. And gets drunk and embarrasses himself.
He turns to head back towards the stands where he saw them selling wine earlier.]
I don't think I've ever seen you drinking at the usual mafia bars.
[ oda can give a hundred and one answers to that first question, each one more cynical than the other. it's obvious that chuuya's a rarity among the mafia, where he's seen people care about their own skin rather than protecting the collective.
but that's because people like oda are disposable tools, meant to be used and sacrificed 'for the sake of the mafia'. he's the one that's supposed to show his loyalty by laying his life down for an organization that won't even remember his name--not the other way around.
but oda pushes those thoughts away, focusing rather on chuuya's second question ]
That's 'cause I was the one cleaning them. Or doing whatever else they wanted me to do.
[ that's what it means to be the errand boy of the mafia! ]
[Chuuya would lay his life down, too. He's not looking to die, but he's aware it might be necessary at some point, for the sake of the Organization. Unfortunately, that also means he's accepted that any other member might need to do the same - Oda died, and it was unfortunate, but he has never questioned whether or not it was necessary.]
You would have been welcome to join us.
[A bit too late for that now, when the guy is dead. Except here he is, which is weird. Chuuya walks up to the wine stand, and pays for a bottle of wine, with two glasses. He should probably save his money, but he doesn't care.]
[ oda will reserve his doubts over that. the last thing he'd want is to be surrounded by higher-ups that think he's a useless waste of space. and if he showed up in yokohama now, after four years of being dead--
well, that'd be strange, to say the least. but at least those thoughts entertain his imagination as he watches chuuya pay for the wine. ah wait--they should look for somewhere to sit, no? ]
Over there looks nice. [ he points to an area some fifty or so meters from them, where some benches are under the shade of the trees. ] We could go there.
[Chuuya looks where Oda is pointing, then immediately heads there. It's a nice spot, and really, Chuuya's only criteria had been somewhere he could set the glasses down so he'd be able to more easily pour.]
I have no idea if this wine is any good.
[But for someone who usually drinks ridiculously expensive wine, he doesn't actually sound too concerned about that. It's got alcohol, he checked.]
[Yuri's gaze flicks to him, sharp, assessing, before she looks away the next second in something like shame or embarrassment. Because yes, she had meant spirits, and sometimes it's hard to remember that most people just don't see them like she does.]
...I suppose so. Just... something. With all of this happening so far, [She gestures around them to indicate the entire situation of waking up on a weird moon and other planets bullshit] can we really rule anything out...? At this point, I think I'd be willing to believe anything.
Not really. [ despite his own skepticism, oda does find himself agreeing with yuri. this whole situation is very difficult to believe, so...are ghosts really that silly? ] Maybe it is possible. I just wouldn't want you to get hurt because of them.
[She's quiet again, looking down the path ahead and chewing on her bottom lip like she's having trouble deciding what to do. On one hand, she wants to chase it down. On the other hand, she doesn't want this guy getting dragged along into trouble either.
Her fingers curl into her palms and she crosses her arms over her chest, hugging herself as if to restrain herself. His concern is also baffling and she furrows her brow, frowning at him lightly]
Ah, no...That's alright. I'm used to it. Please don't waste your concern on me. [Yuri looks away again, considering.]
But it's likely others heard too, so I'm sure there'll be others who'll want to go exploring down here. I don't think you can stop them all.
Just because you're used to it doesn't mean it's alright.
[ that said, oda can't help but feel that maybe she considers him to be a bother. maybe she can handle herself fine among them and just wants him out of her way.
but she looks so apprehensive, that oda doesn't believe this conclusion himself. ]
Yeah...that sort of thing's impossible. [ although he wishes that it wasn't the case. if anyone gets hurt, then oda will blame himself-- he knows himself. sheepishly, he rubs the back of his neck. ] So I guess I can't stop you either?
[She gives him a bewildered sort of look again, not really used to someone responding like that. Didn't it, though? If she was used to it, it was fine, because it's not as though her feelings actually mattered on it, right??
But Yuri also knows herself and how she's like, and his sheepishness is met with an apologetic sheepishness of her own]
No, I'm afraid not. I'm sorry. [She does sound genuinely apologetic about it too.] The more I think that I might be able to speak to the owner of that voice, the more I think I might be able to help them or find out things that could help everyone else out. And if I could be useful, somehow... [Yuri trails off, a bit uncertain of where she's going with that. If she was useful, then maybe she could justify being in this weird place in the first place.
She glances to him] ...You could come with me, if it'll make you feel better. Though, I can't guarantee I could protect you... [Which is already kinda laughable considering if you just look at the two of them, but doubly so considering who oda actually is. But it's the thought that counts??]
[ oda stuffs his hands into his pockets, sighing. of course he wishes that things had been more simple, but he understands her feelings too. he probably would've done the same, in her position.
though it doesn't show on his face (besides a slight frown), oda feels conflicted. he knows that he'll most likely be a bother for this person, especially since he has no experience facing off spirits or things like that. but the idea of her getting hurt because he wasn't there... ]
If you don't mind, I can follow behind you. I can protect myself well enough.
[Her fingers curl anxiously into her palms, anxiety worming its way around her heart. Her track record of actually being able to protect people from the supernatural hasn't been the greatest, and neither of them had been fully-grown adults either (yuri you're an adult too-- look it isn't the same).
But she supposes if he is going to come along, she can only do her best.] You can't fight spirits like you normally would a living person. Trying to do much to them physically won't work.
[In her bag is her camera, and she hesitates a moment before she pulls at her bag to take the antique camera out and hold it out to him] ...Here. You should take this. If we do get attacked or something, the camera can exorcise anything captured in the film.
I have other ways of being able to protect myself, so... It'll be alright.
[ oda's happy to see that someone's so happy about living in yokohama. his feelings are more complicated, but that's not an issue right now. nor should it be. ]
Yeah, sure. As long as I'm not wasting your time, though.
Of course not! I just got out of work actually, so I have some time before I need to catch the subway home. I decided to stop to grab some food.
[Really, Atsushi's just happy to meet someone from 'home'. Even if he'd never met the man, it was nice. He nods off in the direction of a patch of trees he'll be heading towards, smiling brightly.]
They're really very interesting, I like looking at them... and smelling them, too. There was one that smelled like really delicious coffee.
[ oda has never really understood the thoughts that go through dazai's head. he's always been so mysterious, always three or four steps ahead of what his measly logic can come up with.
which is why he never suspects dazai's own false suspicions, and never addresses them. it's never been about producing chroma--hell, he doesn't even have that on his mind. ]
I trust your judgement about this, though. [ he'd never say that dazai's tastes are bad. just...unique. ] Do you think they'd have curry there?
[Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Oda's never had to understand the individual thoughts to understand Dazai. He'd realized that, in the end, even if he'd never gotten a chance to say it to Oda. To thank him. Somehow, some way. Except now, here's his chance, isn't it? It's his chance to finally say all those things he'd wanted to say that one terrible day, and instead...instead he's not.
Instead, he's holding Oda's hand, walking close to him, and talking about everything but. All the unimportant things. He's missed that, too.]
They do! They make a crab curry, it's really good. Probably not spicy enough for you, though. People here make money all sorts of ways, maybe you could open up a curry shop of your own--what do you think?
[There's no Port Mafia here, after all, aside from...well, there's no Mafia here that count, and he wouldn't let Oda go back to that even if there was. That's all there is to it. Oda can open a curry shop on the beach and live a safe, quiet life, and Dazai can spend his days hanging out there and his nights at Atsushi's apartment and everything will be fine.
Of course it's not going to be that easy. He knows it isn't. But just for a moment, he wants to pretend it could be.]
[ dazai’s suggestion brings, just for a second, a pained expression on oda’s face. it’s things like this that he had never seen himself doing after the death of the children, after his whole world had been torn to shreds.
all he had wanted was revenge, no matter what the cost was. his life had lost all its value back then, and oda had no trouble in giving it up.
but now he’s here, alive and with a chance to change for the better— is he worthy of such a thing? after having stained his hands in red blood again, is he deserving of something peaceful like that? and if that is the case—then why not the old man? or the children? or literally anyone else? ]
I... don’t really know if I can do that. [ he looks away. ] Someone else would probably do it better.
You could do anything you want. And you'd be great at it. I know you would.
[His voice may still be casual, if a little insistent, but there's a fierceness to his expression as he studies Oda's face, both dark eyes fixed intently on the older man's face (not so much older now, Oda had been 25 when he...the last time Dazai saw him, and he was 22 now) under that mop of unkempt hair. He hadn't missed that flash of pain, of course. A reminder of better times. The times before. Before Gide, before the children, before he'd realized just how important Oda was.
Because he was. His life had been worth so much, even if Oda hadn't known it, hadn't valued it the same. It was worth everything.]
But if you don't want to, it's fine. You don't have to do anything, mostly. They provide a lot for the Moonblessed, here. And moonlacing takes care of the rest.
[Dazai shrugs, looking away from Oda for a moment, or mostly looking away. He's still looking out of the corner of his eye, gauging his reaction as he says the next words.]
[ i’m not good at anything besides killing, oda almost says. but from the way that his gaze lowers in a troubled frown should be enough for dazai to know that oda doesn’t believe those words. he had already tried to be something else—a caretaker figure, a pacifist— to no avail. right now he doesn’t have the foresight to imagine being anything else than what he is in this very moment.
alive.
just that is a lot for him. for now, it’s enough.
however, when dazai says that he’s not an executive, oda nods. ]
I know.
[ how does he know? it’s not as if anyone else had told oda and, last time he had seen dazai, he was still wearing that dark suit fitting for any mafia executive. but from the moment oda saw dazai in this place, he just... had a hunch. that things had changed.
[Of course Oda knows. Of course he would. After all, Dazai isn't wearing that black suit anymore, and he'd burned his coat years ago, instead wearing one very reminiscent of Oda's own. But the changes aren't just superficial, are they? He finds himself hoping they aren't. That he is different. Better. Because as Oda says the rest, it's Dazai's turn to lower his gaze, to look away, a muscle tightening in his jaw, more of a flinch than he normally shows. Oda's proud, and he wants to bask in those words, to accept them and cling to them, but...]
There's nothing to thank me for. I failed, after all. I didn't save you.
[Or the kids. Or the owner of the curry shop. He'd been too blind, Mori's words echoing in his ears. Necessary sacrifice. How much more would he have lost, if he'd kept listening?]
oda hesitates when he sees dazai’s expression change. though he doesn’t know the extent of dazai’s thoughts, he can recognize the pain in his expression. like spears stabbing through dazai, and oda feels as if he had unknowingly put them there himself. his own careless words have pained his friend.
or, perhaps, his very presence.
that’s a thought that leaves a very bitter aftertaste in odasaku’s mind. ]
Don’t apologize. I didn’t want to be saved in the first place.
[ oda’s voice is quiet and level, but his gaze is on the ground, away from dazai. it’s not difficult for the memory of their deaths to float back into his mind, but he can deal with it—he has to, now that he’s alive. ]
Let’s just... make do with what we have right now. [ a pause. ] I’m sorry I can’t do any more.
[Doesn't Oda know those words hurt even more to hear? He'd known, of course. Of course he had. Dazai knew how all of this was going to play out, and he'd known the second the orphans disappeared that Oda was going to end it all, one way or the other. If he and Gide hadn't killed each other, he's certain Oda would have just vanished one day, and he still would have lost him.
Because you never get to keep anything worth wanting. Somewhere along the line, he'd forgotten that lesson. Somewhere, he'd wanted, anyway.]
Odasaku...
[His fingers tighten infinitesimally around Oda's, and he looks back. Even so, even if those things are lost, is it okay to be selfish and want to hold tight to them for just a little while...?]
...Sorry for being so serious, all of a sudden.
[He's going to smile. He'll smile, and it's bright and sweet and not sad, even if it doesn't quite make it all the way to his eyes.]
It's the wine. This is why I'd rather drink whiskey, you know? Wine just makes people mope, it's really the worst.
[ oda has to hold back from shaking his head and sighing. he knows the way dazai smiles is not completely sincere, and that there are a thousand thoughts behind those brown eyes. he wishes that he could dig them out and expose them, or at least force his friend to be more honest... but he doesn't know how to do that.
not yet, at least. ]
I haven't had any of the wine, but I guess it's better that I didn't.
[ he shrugs ]
I don't mind listening to you, though--serious or not.
[It must be the wine. Except even he knows that's the thinnest of lies, that by the time he and Chuuya had parted ways and he'd gone off to find something to take his mind off things he'd been completely sober. But then, Oda's always let him lie, hasn't he? Even the most outrageous things, he'd just accepted. Like it was nothing, like it was fine.]
You always listened. Even when I was lying through my teeth. You never once called me on it. Why is that?
[He's curious. Maybe a little braver than he'd be normally. After all, who knows how long this will last, how long he'll be able to keep this moment? Even if it hurts, he can't help wanting to know.]
[ oda answers without hesitation, but unable to look at dazai. yes, it's because of his inability to step into dazai's personal life that his friend lived so lonesomely--even when ango and him were right next to him in the bar.
oda had always felt like such a thing was impossible to help, that there was no real way to save dazai from himself. so he gave up without a fight, like with everything else in his life.
at the time of his death, it was his only regret. now, with this second chance at life...oda can't help but wonder if there's anything he can do. ]
And because I like listening to you. You always have something interesting to say, so it's hard not to like it.
[That huff of breath doesn't quite sound like laughter, but it's closer to that than anything else. He'd called him an idiot, hadn't he, when Oda had been lying there, bleeding out? Wasting time with words like that, when he should have been telling him more important things.]
I know more than a few people who'd like to thank you for encouraging my bad habits.
[And by thank, he means slap upside the head, really. Ango, for starters, but then Oda knew that one; Chuuya, Kunikida, Atsushi maybe...but ultimately, it was that encouraging silence of Oda's that gave him the strength to explore some of those other spaces inside himself. Can it all really have been that bad, in the end?
Oda's still not looking at him, and Dazai's fingers tighten around his just a touch, just enough to pull his attention back. He's not going to make that mistake again. Maybe he's not sure what he should say, maybe all this is going wrong and coming out strangely, maybe he still doesn't know which Dazai he should be or how to tell Oda any of what the last four years have held, but he does know he's not going to waste the opportunity.]
You might be an idiot, but I've been kind of an idiot, too. It's taken me all this time to realize just how stupid I was.
[About a lot of things, really. But here they are, finally, coming up on the stretch that leads to Crystal Beach, and the smell of salt water starts to surround them, carried on a gentle wind. Dazai inhales deeply, eyes half closing as they walk.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
overflow for chuuya
[ oda has to use a good amount of willpower to not look at chuuya like he's growing a second head. ]
I wouldn't mind but...you don't mind drinking with someone like me?
[ in other words, a nobody. sorry chuuya he hates himself ]
no subject
I buy drinks for my subordinates all the time.
[If you're part of the mafia, you're not nobody. That's how it works.]
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[ despite the deadpan tone, oda's completely serious. he's never really expected much out of executives in terms of niceness-- though he supposes that chuuya would be more fair than dazai in that case. ]
Well, then I'll take you up on the offer, Chuuya-san.
no subject
[Yeah, Chuuya is probably strange for an executive. Sure, he murders as much as the rest of them, if not more, but then he just hangs out with his subordinates after work to make sure they all have a good time. And gets drunk and embarrasses himself.
He turns to head back towards the stands where he saw them selling wine earlier.]
I don't think I've ever seen you drinking at the usual mafia bars.
no subject
but that's because people like oda are disposable tools, meant to be used and sacrificed 'for the sake of the mafia'. he's the one that's supposed to show his loyalty by laying his life down for an organization that won't even remember his name--not the other way around.
but oda pushes those thoughts away, focusing rather on chuuya's second question ]
That's 'cause I was the one cleaning them. Or doing whatever else they wanted me to do.
[ that's what it means to be the errand boy of the mafia! ]
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You would have been welcome to join us.
[A bit too late for that now, when the guy is dead. Except here he is, which is weird. Chuuya walks up to the wine stand, and pays for a bottle of wine, with two glasses. He should probably save his money, but he doesn't care.]
Let's find somewhere to sit.
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well, that'd be strange, to say the least. but at least those thoughts entertain his imagination as he watches chuuya pay for the wine. ah wait--they should look for somewhere to sit, no? ]
Over there looks nice. [ he points to an area some fifty or so meters from them, where some benches are under the shade of the trees. ] We could go there.
no subject
I have no idea if this wine is any good.
[But for someone who usually drinks ridiculously expensive wine, he doesn't actually sound too concerned about that. It's got alcohol, he checked.]
I didn't even ask if you like wine.
overflow 4 yuri
Other things...? [ oda has to pause for a second, thinking about what she says and then-- ] You mean spirits?
[ though his voice sounds even, inside he's a little skeptical. he's never seen a real ghost, after all. just people pretending to be. ]
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...I suppose so. Just... something. With all of this happening so far, [She gestures around them to indicate the entire situation of waking up on a weird moon and other planets bullshit] can we really rule anything out...? At this point, I think I'd be willing to believe anything.
But...I suppose that's a little silly even so....
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Her fingers curl into her palms and she crosses her arms over her chest, hugging herself as if to restrain herself. His concern is also baffling and she furrows her brow, frowning at him lightly]
Ah, no...That's alright. I'm used to it. Please don't waste your concern on me. [Yuri looks away again, considering.]
But it's likely others heard too, so I'm sure there'll be others who'll want to go exploring down here. I don't think you can stop them all.
no subject
[ that said, oda can't help but feel that maybe she considers him to be a bother. maybe she can handle herself fine among them and just wants him out of her way.
but she looks so apprehensive, that oda doesn't believe this conclusion himself. ]
Yeah...that sort of thing's impossible. [ although he wishes that it wasn't the case. if anyone gets hurt, then oda will blame himself-- he knows himself. sheepishly, he rubs the back of his neck. ] So I guess I can't stop you either?
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But Yuri also knows herself and how she's like, and his sheepishness is met with an apologetic sheepishness of her own]
No, I'm afraid not. I'm sorry. [She does sound genuinely apologetic about it too.] The more I think that I might be able to speak to the owner of that voice, the more I think I might be able to help them or find out things that could help everyone else out. And if I could be useful, somehow... [Yuri trails off, a bit uncertain of where she's going with that. If she was useful, then maybe she could justify being in this weird place in the first place.
She glances to him] ...You could come with me, if it'll make you feel better. Though, I can't guarantee I could protect you... [Which is already kinda laughable considering if you just look at the two of them, but doubly so considering who oda actually is. But it's the thought that counts??]
no subject
[ oda stuffs his hands into his pockets, sighing. of course he wishes that things had been more simple, but he understands her feelings too. he probably would've done the same, in her position.
though it doesn't show on his face (besides a slight frown), oda feels conflicted. he knows that he'll most likely be a bother for this person, especially since he has no experience facing off spirits or things like that. but the idea of her getting hurt because he wasn't there... ]
If you don't mind, I can follow behind you. I can protect myself well enough.
no subject
But she supposes if he is going to come along, she can only do her best.] You can't fight spirits like you normally would a living person. Trying to do much to them physically won't work.
[In her bag is her camera, and she hesitates a moment before she pulls at her bag to take the antique camera out and hold it out to him] ...Here. You should take this. If we do get attacked or something, the camera can exorcise anything captured in the film.
I have other ways of being able to protect myself, so... It'll be alright.
overflow fur atsushi
Mm, as long as you think it's home, it counts.
[ oda's happy to see that someone's so happy about living in yokohama. his feelings are more complicated, but that's not an issue right now. nor should it be. ]
Yeah, sure. As long as I'm not wasting your time, though.
Did you really just--
[Really, Atsushi's just happy to meet someone from 'home'. Even if he'd never met the man, it was nice. He nods off in the direction of a patch of trees he'll be heading towards, smiling brightly.]
They're really very interesting, I like looking at them... and smelling them, too. There was one that smelled like really delicious coffee.
overroll for dazai
[ oda has never really understood the thoughts that go through dazai's head. he's always been so mysterious, always three or four steps ahead of what his measly logic can come up with.
which is why he never suspects dazai's own false suspicions, and never addresses them. it's never been about producing chroma--hell, he doesn't even have that on his mind. ]
I trust your judgement about this, though. [ he'd never say that dazai's tastes are bad. just...unique. ] Do you think they'd have curry there?
no subject
Instead, he's holding Oda's hand, walking close to him, and talking about everything but. All the unimportant things. He's missed that, too.]
They do! They make a crab curry, it's really good. Probably not spicy enough for you, though. People here make money all sorts of ways, maybe you could open up a curry shop of your own--what do you think?
[There's no Port Mafia here, after all, aside from...well, there's no Mafia here that count, and he wouldn't let Oda go back to that even if there was. That's all there is to it. Oda can open a curry shop on the beach and live a safe, quiet life, and Dazai can spend his days hanging out there and his nights at Atsushi's apartment and everything will be fine.
Of course it's not going to be that easy. He knows it isn't. But just for a moment, he wants to pretend it could be.]
no subject
all he had wanted was revenge, no matter what the cost was. his life had lost all its value back then, and oda had no trouble in giving it up.
but now he’s here, alive and with a chance to change for the better— is he worthy of such a thing? after having stained his hands in red blood again, is he deserving of something peaceful like that? and if that is the case—then why not the old man? or the children? or literally anyone else? ]
I... don’t really know if I can do that. [ he looks away. ] Someone else would probably do it better.
no subject
[His voice may still be casual, if a little insistent, but there's a fierceness to his expression as he studies Oda's face, both dark eyes fixed intently on the older man's face (not so much older now, Oda had been 25 when he...the last time Dazai saw him, and he was 22 now) under that mop of unkempt hair. He hadn't missed that flash of pain, of course. A reminder of better times. The times before. Before Gide, before the children, before he'd realized just how important Oda was.
Because he was. His life had been worth so much, even if Oda hadn't known it, hadn't valued it the same. It was worth everything.]
But if you don't want to, it's fine. You don't have to do anything, mostly. They provide a lot for the Moonblessed, here. And moonlacing takes care of the rest.
[Dazai shrugs, looking away from Oda for a moment, or mostly looking away. He's still looking out of the corner of his eye, gauging his reaction as he says the next words.]
I'm not an Executive anymore, you know.
no subject
alive.
just that is a lot for him. for now, it’s enough.
however, when dazai says that he’s not an executive, oda nods. ]
I know.
[ how does he know? it’s not as if anyone else had told oda and, last time he had seen dazai, he was still wearing that dark suit fitting for any mafia executive. but from the moment oda saw dazai in this place, he just... had a hunch. that things had changed.
oda smiles, weary but full of relief for dazai. ]
I’m proud of you. Thank you.
no subject
There's nothing to thank me for. I failed, after all. I didn't save you.
[Or the kids. Or the owner of the curry shop. He'd been too blind, Mori's words echoing in his ears. Necessary sacrifice. How much more would he have lost, if he'd kept listening?]
no subject
oda hesitates when he sees dazai’s expression change. though he doesn’t know the extent of dazai’s thoughts, he can recognize the pain in his expression. like spears stabbing through dazai, and oda feels as if he had unknowingly put them there himself. his own careless words have pained his friend.
or, perhaps, his very presence.
that’s a thought that leaves a very bitter aftertaste in odasaku’s mind. ]
Don’t apologize. I didn’t want to be saved in the first place.
[ oda’s voice is quiet and level, but his gaze is on the ground, away from dazai. it’s not difficult for the memory of their deaths to float back into his mind, but he can deal with it—he has to, now that he’s alive. ]
Let’s just... make do with what we have right now. [ a pause. ] I’m sorry I can’t do any more.
no subject
Because you never get to keep anything worth wanting. Somewhere along the line, he'd forgotten that lesson. Somewhere, he'd wanted, anyway.]
Odasaku...
[His fingers tighten infinitesimally around Oda's, and he looks back. Even so, even if those things are lost, is it okay to be selfish and want to hold tight to them for just a little while...?]
...Sorry for being so serious, all of a sudden.
[He's going to smile. He'll smile, and it's bright and sweet and not sad, even if it doesn't quite make it all the way to his eyes.]
It's the wine. This is why I'd rather drink whiskey, you know? Wine just makes people mope, it's really the worst.
no subject
[ oda has to hold back from shaking his head and sighing. he knows the way dazai smiles is not completely sincere, and that there are a thousand thoughts behind those brown eyes. he wishes that he could dig them out and expose them, or at least force his friend to be more honest... but he doesn't know how to do that.
not yet, at least. ]
I haven't had any of the wine, but I guess it's better that I didn't.
[ he shrugs ]
I don't mind listening to you, though--serious or not.
no subject
You always listened. Even when I was lying through my teeth. You never once called me on it. Why is that?
[He's curious. Maybe a little braver than he'd be normally. After all, who knows how long this will last, how long he'll be able to keep this moment? Even if it hurts, he can't help wanting to know.]
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[ oda answers without hesitation, but unable to look at dazai. yes, it's because of his inability to step into dazai's personal life that his friend lived so lonesomely--even when ango and him were right next to him in the bar.
oda had always felt like such a thing was impossible to help, that there was no real way to save dazai from himself. so he gave up without a fight, like with everything else in his life.
at the time of his death, it was his only regret. now, with this second chance at life...oda can't help but wonder if there's anything he can do. ]
And because I like listening to you. You always have something interesting to say, so it's hard not to like it.
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I know more than a few people who'd like to thank you for encouraging my bad habits.
[And by thank, he means slap upside the head, really. Ango, for starters, but then Oda knew that one; Chuuya, Kunikida, Atsushi maybe...but ultimately, it was that encouraging silence of Oda's that gave him the strength to explore some of those other spaces inside himself. Can it all really have been that bad, in the end?
Oda's still not looking at him, and Dazai's fingers tighten around his just a touch, just enough to pull his attention back. He's not going to make that mistake again. Maybe he's not sure what he should say, maybe all this is going wrong and coming out strangely, maybe he still doesn't know which Dazai he should be or how to tell Oda any of what the last four years have held, but he does know he's not going to waste the opportunity.]
You might be an idiot, but I've been kind of an idiot, too. It's taken me all this time to realize just how stupid I was.
[About a lot of things, really. But here they are, finally, coming up on the stretch that leads to Crystal Beach, and the smell of salt water starts to surround them, carried on a gentle wind. Dazai inhales deeply, eyes half closing as they walk.]
It smells almost like home.