It is what it is, Odasak- Oda-san. I knew the risks when I took this job. I accepted them. I'm not going to complain about them now that I'm facing repercussions.
[ oda groans softly when he says that, shaking his head. ] I don’t know what could be worth having to go through this. You don’t want to kill us and I’m guessing that they think you’re being too soft on us.
So if you don’t want to do this job, then what are they offering that’s so tempting?
I don't think I could even begin to explain it. Nobody here would understand, not without the context behind it. But trust me when I say 'It's worth it.'
[He says it immediately, without hesitation. Whatever reward he's getting out of this, it's something he would willingly die for. And not in the usual way Dazai offers himself up for death either.]
In fact, if my life alone could get it, I would gladly give it up. But it's not that simple. There's a lot of moving parts here, and I have to see this through to the end.
They don't know me. Atsushi-kun thinks he does, but the 'Dazai Osamu' of his world isn't me. You think you do, but you don't know a single thing about me.
I'm not just a smile and a singsong tone that's about to put a knife in everyone's backs. And when people find out who I really am, they're not going to worry about me at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up dying by the hands of someone here. I'll be left alone and forgotten to rot away in the redacted history of the Foundation.
And you know what? Even knowing all of that, it's still worth it.
Is that why you cried on me on Thursday? Because you’re that big of an unforgivable monster?
[ he clenches his jaw, teeth grinding in frustration. ]
The Oda you knew saw something in you. I don’t know what it was and I won’t make it seem like I know what it is either. But if we are the same person, then I know that I would never consider someone my friend unless I meant it 200%. So that act of yours won’t fly with me, no matter how little I know you.
[ oda stays silent, looking away from dazai in favor of staring at his own lap. it seems there’s a million things he wants to say, but decides on the simplest one. ]
You’re an idiot. But I can see why he would have befriended you.
He and I had to go through some sewers after some troublemakers. Nothing builds a friendship quite like having to endure disgusting situations together.
The funny thing is, he didn't seem any more bothered by the mess and smell than he was about anything else. He just went with whatever silly idea I had at the time.
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So if you don’t want to do this job, then what are they offering that’s so tempting?
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[ oda stays silent, practically trying to stare a hole through dazai— ]
It isn’t. No matter what it is, it isn’t worth sacrificing yourself for.
cw: vague suicide mention
[He says it immediately, without hesitation. Whatever reward he's getting out of this, it's something he would willingly die for. And not in the usual way Dazai offers himself up for death either.]
In fact, if my life alone could get it, I would gladly give it up. But it's not that simple. There's a lot of moving parts here, and I have to see this through to the end.
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[ oda stops himself in his tracks, feeling an unusual anger and desperation as he stops himself from blurting out something without thinking.
what about us?! ]
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he blinks, back to his usual stoic self. ]
What about the others? Look at all the people that worry about you.
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I'm not just a smile and a singsong tone that's about to put a knife in everyone's backs. And when people find out who I really am, they're not going to worry about me at all. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up dying by the hands of someone here. I'll be left alone and forgotten to rot away in the redacted history of the Foundation.
And you know what? Even knowing all of that, it's still worth it.
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[ he clenches his jaw, teeth grinding in frustration. ]
The Oda you knew saw something in you. I don’t know what it was and I won’t make it seem like I know what it is either. But if we are the same person, then I know that I would never consider someone my friend unless I meant it 200%. So that act of yours won’t fly with me, no matter how little I know you.
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[He's going to leave that at that, though. He can't quite admit to being a touch-starved weirdo who just wants hugs.]
...I wish I could explain it to you. I really could. But if THEY find out, it's all over. There's no coming back from a mistake like loose lips.
So it's better that nobody knows. No accidents can happen that way.
[As much as he is clearly yearning for someone to carry the burden with him.]
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You’re an idiot. But I can see why he would have befriended you.
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[Story time? Story time.]
You want to know how he and I met?
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[ he shrugs. ]
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The funny thing is, he didn't seem any more bothered by the mess and smell than he was about anything else. He just went with whatever silly idea I had at the time.
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[ oda thinks about it a little. ]
If his teenage life was anything like how mine was, I think sifting through the sewers was nothing in comparison to being next to an executive.
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[ he rests against the couch, looking up at the ceiling. ]
I’m...a little jealous. That he was able to make such a friendship.
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You can make friends too, you know. It's not too late for that.
...and yes, I know how ironic that is coming from me.
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[ he shakes his head. ]
I can’t let something like that cloud me. If I get too attached—
[ well. dazai should already know the answer to that one. ]
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Consider it for after this game is over, then?
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[He has faith in you, Oda.]